Adventures in Pallet-Based Gardening

one of the reasons i feel in love with sova and knew we had to move into this home.... the roof.

i could have a garden up here i thought to myself. well no i thought it out loud i believe.

today michael and i planted the start of our little garden. hope these little guys like it up here!

These Help

The reading

on new years i had an amazing tarot card reading. my question was both as simple as it was complex. the hart of it, well i'm pregnant and in the most vulnerable state i have ever been in my life. can i trust the people around me and rely on them for support? as the meanings of each of the cards was laid out i found relief and solitude. the cards told me to trust. yet i can't help but feel very lonely and isolated.

i am growing to love this being developing within my being and i know that this will be the most important person i have ever know. i feel an over whelming desire to retreat and protect and keep any kind of negative energy away from my child. this could be coupled with the fact that the fatigue and nausea are still pretty debilitating. getting through a work day is challenging and halfway through the day i feel panicked and sick and only want to be home. work is hard to manage and i feel like i'm always behind the ball. i simply have no energy and am overwhelmed. i have one part of my brain saying that i should be able to handle all this, and another part screaming at me to take better care of myself.

overall i feel like i'm losing my friends. this could be in part triggered by a resent and somewhat harsh falling out with a friend. i will be the first to note however that my emotional state is hightend and i am more sensitive to things. however i feel my relationships slipping away not only due to the fact that i'm around less, but when i am around i can't connect. the things on my mind are different and i don't want to be that person that just talks about the pregnancy. that being said not talking about it is rather difficult because currently that is the state of my life. my friends are trying and it's mainly me that is all disconnected.

michael had been amazing beyond anything i would have ever hoped for. yet the amount i feel i need to trust in him and rely on him scares me. however he seems to be the only thing that gives me comfort and shelter right now. with him i feel safe. i just hope that deep down he rather not be out having a crazy good time then at home dealing with me. everyone once in a while he says something that scares the living day lights out of me and i don't really have the skills to cope with it.

i have been told over and over that the way i feel is normal. but is it really? do all pregnant women feel isolated and vulnerable? dose it even matter that i feel this way because my number one priority should be taking care of this child and not if i will still have friends or if my husband is board. i know that i should feel empowered and in a lot of ways i do. it's just strange that everything that use to matter to me no longer dose. small things matter. making sure i remembered to take my vitamins matter or that i ate enough protein. what can i do to keep my feet from swelling and what position pillow combo can i use to actually get some sleep so i can get through the work day. seriously these are they types of things that are consuming my mind and to me right now they are damn important.

early this morning i went in for an ultra sound. i got to see my child move around in my womb. i can't begin to explain how still disconnected i feel from this and how unbelievably emotionally connected i was at the same time. the mid wife held a microphone up to my stomach and we got to listen to the heart beat. i couldn't even type that last sentence without crying. but crying for what?  That's just how pregnancy is to me summed up: extremely confusing and contradictory and certain at the same time.

this is by far the most interesting and revolutionary time in my life.
i just wish that i didn't feel so alone.

Needs a Name

this project needs a name. joni says it will come to us. garland villanova called it "clown bukkake". i'm at a loss but i'm enjoying creating the images and the collaboration with a friend.

Light Test

A Joni Collaboration

i have had this set of light for how long now and don't have stands. this is silly and ridiculous. thanks for pointing that out joni.

no i mean it thank you. while joni was in town this last week i broke down, dropped some money, and got a start on my studio set up. about time! and it is so liberating to be able to create work again. i have the time, the space, and that burning feeling inside letting me know that if i don't i will simply combust. it's all quite good.

a portrait collaboration with joni jones 

All in a Jar

post state boards. honestly i am still in quite a bit of shock that i passed. shocked by thankful. job hunting. things are starting to line up. looks like i while be doing some home health as well as some prn for snf's and keeping rei. sova is coming along nicely. i adore her and never want to leave. seriously as much as i love everyone and going out and doing everything i love my home all the more. it could be because this is the first time i really feel like i have a home and not just a place i sleep and keep my things. all the main living and daily needs areas are now up and fully functional. now michael's workshop is coming up and soon my photo studio. i am burning with the need to shoot. once those things are up we can start creating the furniture we have been designing. i am a person that needs things in the future to look forward to to function at top capacity and currently there are enough fun projects on my horizon to keep me afloat for quite some time.

what i am having a hard time with is my allergies. at first i thought that it was from kicking up old cat dander and dust from the move. however i must say out home is pretty clean right now. i get attacked in the middle out the night and wake up completely sick. i need to go see a doctor at this point because i think it's progressively becoming wore and worse every time. the most frustrating part of it for me is that i can't seem to stop feeling uber groggy when this is happening. there are to many things i want to do. this is really putting a damper on my training for an up can coming 5k. over all i feel like these constant allergy attacks are contributing me feel very emotionally vulnerable  and in need to comforting. well that and the fact that my emotional state had not been so good the past few days. try as i might i can't seem to mend a couple heart strings that are out of tune.

today is one of those days. i was capable of very little physically and mentally. i did not feel outgoing and spirited nor fun and bubble. and honestly that's ok. im allowed. what i did find myself capable of was spending a few hours in the kitchen working on pasta sauce. i let the sound of simmering penetrate my thoughts and the aroma of spice attempt to break through my congested and blood cracked nostrils. today i was beat up and broken but i cooked it all away and put nothing but the goodness left into a jar.

so simple
amazing tomato powder form the spice house
spice of choice
two good tomatoes
cremini mushrooms
shiitake mushroom
onions
garlic
a red paper
love
kindness, compassion, and gratitude

 

 when i make pasta sauce, or go to the spice house i never fail to have fond memories. it's hard to forget the things a love have taught you.

My Friend Kim knows how to have a birthday party!

i simply adore my friend kim and am so glad i could be a part of her 30th birthday. also she really doesn't mess around when it comes to having a great time.

Pin up photo shoot part 1

First just a little background curtsy (seriously word for word) from pinup portal :

pinup as we know it today is radically different to its humble origins which can be traced back to the beginning of the 20th century, a time when sexuality was both scrutinized and suppressed. For instance a woman showing a bare ankle was considered risqué and the word "sex" itself was not even used publicly.

As ever people find a way round even the most stringent of rules and the desire for images of an erotic nature was overcome by the birth of portraying scantily clad ladies as an art form.

As art such images were deemed acceptable by the society of the time and many of these early drawings and illustrations that are considered the roots of the pinup genre used imagery of the burlesque striptease routines as their starting point.

Additionally magazines such as 'The Police Gazette' illustrated stories of murder and mayhem by showing the leading ladies in various states of undress, which was considered to be completely legitimate by the general populous as they were considered newsworthy.

during the 1920's society began to rebel against the repression of the previous decades with the energetic dancing, partying and fashions such as flap skirts that showed more leg than ever before.

It was at this time that underground 'pulp' detective magazines appeared using drawings and paintings of bondage and nudity to illustrate their stories of murder and kidnap.

Meanwhile a new genre of nudist publications also surfaced linking sex and humor again using drawings to illustrate their stories and jokes. It was from such publications that what we think of as pinup art began to evolve during the early 1930's.

Artists such as George Petty and Alberto Vargas created calendar girls that very soon adorned the walls of garages and workshops everywhere.

Additionally Esquire magazine was initially published in this decade and very soon it was regularly carrying pinup art and illustrations from many different artists.

However it was the 1940's and World War II that really saw pinup art explode into the phenomenon we know today.

There wasn't a G.I. who didn't have a painting of his favorite movie star such as Rita Hayworth or Bettie Grable on his locker door or stuffed somewhere in his kitbag so that he could be reminded of home during the long hours spent away from his family and loved ones.

Add to that the girls so painstakingly painted on to the side of military aircraft in order to bring them luck on their numerous missions and it was easy to see that pinup art had found a footing in mainstream society.

Post WWII artists such as Elvgren emerged as failing magazines and publishers tried to woo the public with risqué imagery. By this time the original artwork from the more popular artists was becoming much sought after by certain collectors and it was finally accepted that pinup had a place in the art world which was somewhat ironic considering it's origins.

During the late 1950's and early 1960's pinup began to surface in the form of photography as well as the now traditional art. Magazines such as the famous Playboy were published blending pinup style photography with well written lifestyle articles and the response was huge.

The magazines ripped through any remaining repression gaining acceptability in most parts of society in a matter of a few years.

At this time different models and artists began to mutate pinup across and into different genres such as fetish and even bondage, the most famous of these being the partnership between Bettie Page and Irving Claws.

Although some of this imagery could be considered much darker in style than that of the early pinup artists it was still invariably done with a sense of fun, tease and innocence that typifies the pinup genre.

During the 1960's Playboy and other magazines gained a huge circulation all the while moving pinup style imagery into the psyche of mainstream America.

nfortunately by the 1970's photography had just about taken over from art and most of the original pinup artists had retired from the genre they had so lovingly created.

With the advent of video the demand for adult material began to move towards far more lewd and graphic imagery depicting all manner of sex acts and it seemed that the playful innocence of pinup was lost forever.

However during the 1980's new artists such as Dave Stevens kept the genre going and with the arrival of the Internet in the late 1990's it soon became apparent that interest in classic pinup art and photography was still very much alive.

In the last few years there has been a real rekindling of mainstream interest in the genre with new art appearing from modern artists such as Olivia and many of the original Playboy pinup models using the Internet to sell their classic prints and images.

From this a new breed of Internet pinup models has emerged and although many of them cross over into other genres they owe at least part of their style to the classic pinup era.

Amongst them are several models who have attempted to solely recreate the classic pinup look with varying degrees of success.

All in all it seems strange that it should be something as modern as the Internet that will help ensure that classic pinup will be with us long into the 21st century.

Fortunately it seems that at least some people out there still enjoy the beauty and tease of the pinup genre over the much stronger and more explicit material that is now so freely available.

This is somewhat ironic when you consider that the latter in part way only exists due to pinup art and photography helping to make images with an erotic leaning more and more acceptable to American culture throughout the 20th century.

i had been thinking about pin up for quite some time. i am drawn to the innocents yet femininity of it. the glamor and flawlessness. 

this was a project i had been toying with for quit a while. part of the concept behind it is that i would collaborate with a slew of different people and do multitude shoots. i soon realized how many amazingly talented people i was fortunate to know that were kind, giving, and excited for the project. 

the first shoot was a present for michael's birthday.

photography: c.b lindsey

clothing: viva vintage clothing , sheri will, the tutu madness, and taboo tabou

make up: marc shaffar

hair: Marina Fichera

locations: a touch of vintage and rani woolpert

i hope to have the second part of this shoot up soon. as well as planing another collaboration with more talented friends in the near future.