on new years i had an amazing tarot card reading. my question was both as simple as it was complex. the hart of it, well i'm pregnant and in the most vulnerable state i have ever been in my life. can i trust the people around me and rely on them for support? as the meanings of each of the cards was laid out i found relief and solitude. the cards told me to trust. yet i can't help but feel very lonely and isolated.
i am growing to love this being developing within my being and i know that this will be the most important person i have ever know. i feel an over whelming desire to retreat and protect and keep any kind of negative energy away from my child. this could be coupled with the fact that the fatigue and nausea are still pretty debilitating. getting through a work day is challenging and halfway through the day i feel panicked and sick and only want to be home. work is hard to manage and i feel like i'm always behind the ball. i simply have no energy and am overwhelmed. i have one part of my brain saying that i should be able to handle all this, and another part screaming at me to take better care of myself.
overall i feel like i'm losing my friends. this could be in part triggered by a resent and somewhat harsh falling out with a friend. i will be the first to note however that my emotional state is hightend and i am more sensitive to things. however i feel my relationships slipping away not only due to the fact that i'm around less, but when i am around i can't connect. the things on my mind are different and i don't want to be that person that just talks about the pregnancy. that being said not talking about it is rather difficult because currently that is the state of my life. my friends are trying and it's mainly me that is all disconnected.
michael had been amazing beyond anything i would have ever hoped for. yet the amount i feel i need to trust in him and rely on him scares me. however he seems to be the only thing that gives me comfort and shelter right now. with him i feel safe. i just hope that deep down he rather not be out having a crazy good time then at home dealing with me. everyone once in a while he says something that scares the living day lights out of me and i don't really have the skills to cope with it.
i have been told over and over that the way i feel is normal. but is it really? do all pregnant women feel isolated and vulnerable? dose it even matter that i feel this way because my number one priority should be taking care of this child and not if i will still have friends or if my husband is board. i know that i should feel empowered and in a lot of ways i do. it's just strange that everything that use to matter to me no longer dose. small things matter. making sure i remembered to take my vitamins matter or that i ate enough protein. what can i do to keep my feet from swelling and what position pillow combo can i use to actually get some sleep so i can get through the work day. seriously these are they types of things that are consuming my mind and to me right now they are damn important.
early this morning i went in for an ultra sound. i got to see my child move around in my womb. i can't begin to explain how still disconnected i feel from this and how unbelievably emotionally connected i was at the same time. the mid wife held a microphone up to my stomach and we got to listen to the heart beat. i couldn't even type that last sentence without crying. but crying for what? That's just how pregnancy is to me summed up: extremely confusing and contradictory and certain at the same time.
this is by far the most interesting and revolutionary time in my life.
i just wish that i didn't feel so alone.