i am having very mixed emotions and it surprises me.
before i launch into explaining my last statement let me preface this with the fact that i have been running a fever for three days, having crazy dreams, and lots of strange things have been happening to people. i got mugged. the mugging itself was not that bad but the fact that it took place a block away from the new home the day we singed out lease gives me pause.
let me also make note of the fact that michael is out of town working. around the clock and sparsely available. i think his being, his mere presence would calm me down and chase away and irrational fears i might be having.
furthermore my state boards are the day after i move. the amount of anxiety i have surrounding it is slightly crushing. right now my life hinges on it and i am determined not to fail.
so back to mixed emotions.
i have nothing but the purest of ideals for us making a home together. since the first time we talked about it i have been filled with nothing but joy and excitement about the very notion. strip it down, this is us making a home together. that's pure and amazing. and i simply adore the way michaels eyes light up when we are discussing ideas about our home. when i think of us having a home its a light and airy place. joy lives there. trust lives there. happiness lives there. creativity, imagination, freedom all live there too. it is a place of comfort and protection. it is a place of refuge. it gives great hugs. there is love and honesty in the living room and compassion in the kitchen. it is filled with wind chimes and refracting rainbows and bare foot dancing. there is sunshine and candle light. this home is playful. from this place we build our lives.
i have been in my own current home for the better part of three days on end due to this fever. slight packing has happened. actually i do not have all that much to pack. i have a strange non attachment to things and don't really place a lot of sentimental value on objects. so i have been sorting through seven years of stuff, deciding what to keep and what to remove from my consciousness. it has effected me in a strange way and it has made me think about what my home has meant to me. i think about the different me's that have occupied this space. i think about how this space has sheltered me and the routines of my life that it has shaped. i am in a way grieving for the end of this part of my life as i move on to what is before me. i find this fitting and healthy. i am enjoying the quite contemplation and the space to be alone here.
the day after the move michael will be gone again. for six weeks. i will be alone in a new space with boxes from which i will begin building a home.
i have taken comfort in the familiar and it's a hard thing to let go. i know what my life looks like if i stay still but what happens when i move forward. is it safe? will i be hurt? it takes a lot of trust to give up some independence and merge a life with another. it takes a lot of trust to know that you can relay on someone and that they want you to relay on them. to entwine in these ways. it takes work to always approach each other with kindness and respect in a space both people occupy. the ego must be set aside.
i will walk into life with my head held high and ready to embrace. idealism will be manifested if i disallow fear to nag at me. my soul is on fire with the potential of creation. this has the makings of something pure and beautiful if we choose it so.
in the mean time i will continue to enjoy the sunsets from my home.
what will they skies look like from our new view?
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